The Power of Courtesy: Kindness Isn’t the Same as Nice-ness

What is the difference between “nice” and “kind”? Often, we use them together and typically think of them as interchangeable. However, I believe there is a fundamental difference between the two, and I emphasize this distinction while teaching. Being nice typically means being polite and treating others in a way that considers their feelings—both good things in the right context. Kindness, on the other hand, is how you show others that you care. It is fundamentally different from being nice.

Suppose your child’s best friend stole something from the convenience store, and your child witnessed it. Would you have them refrain from informing someone simply because the friend would get in trouble? That would certainly be the “nice” thing to do. The kind thing, however, would be to help teach the friend that stealing is wrong, even if it may create friction between your child and their friend. What if the one who stole was your own child? Would you appreciate someone NOT informing you that your child was behaving inappropriately? This mindset applies on the mat and everywhere else. Being a kind training partner often involves allowing your partner to fail so they can learn to perform the technique correctly, even if it takes more time. Sometimes, you must avoid being nice to be kind.

Don’t reward your child’s bad behavior simply to avoid causing a scene. Address it appropriately. Oftentimes, being held accountable for our actions is not viewed as nice, particularly by the party at fault. However, this should be (and usually is) done with their best interests at heart. You aren’t your child’s friend. Being nice is easy: don’t rock the boat, don’t make anyone upset. Being kind is often hard. While you shouldn’t enjoy hurting someone’s feelings, you shouldn’t be afraid of it either. Being nice should be situational. Being kind should be a constant.

Kyle Johnson

5th Degree Black Belt

Chief Instructor